remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
