We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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