Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
that's an acceptable place to lick
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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