The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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