He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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