I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
