he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
