I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
