So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
