In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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