I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
