i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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