Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
only you would photoshop your dick
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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