I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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