Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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