Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
