Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
