Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
