Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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