I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize