happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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