I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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