the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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