I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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