Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
