Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize