where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
