**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Randomize
