I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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