You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
