You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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