I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what day is it and did you see me today?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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