I just gift wrapped bread.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
