"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
