today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
