I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
