i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
