the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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