if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
being pregnant is like rehab
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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