I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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