Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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