paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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