so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
