I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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