how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
