I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize