Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
