my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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