You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
