I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
