I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
