Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
