I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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