his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
where does the pee come out of this thing
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
