I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
