Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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