last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
