You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
