The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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