remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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