im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize