and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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