don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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