pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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