im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
