A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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