Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
