Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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