You're so nebulous sometimes
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize