OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
