I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
