I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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