You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
