Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
